Dot, dot, dot #3

 

… research has even been carried out into the happiness of chimpanzees with remarkably similar outcomes.  For me personally, the even better news is that the average low-point on the happiness curve (for humans, at least) is the age of forty-eight and right now, yours truly is the grand old age of … forty-eight!  I have everything crossed that I don’t buck the trend and that around about now, I am turning a corner and am on the way back to a happiness-high!  The podcast on which I first heard about the happiness curve explained that for many of us it is understandable why rock-bottom would hit at about this age: for parents, it’s when children might be flying the nest; many of us are confronting significant family bereavement; we might lose the companionship of a first pet; we could be far enough into a career to be questioning it; we may be experiencing new and unwelcome physical challenges.  It’s obvious really.  Suddenly, the verve of youth seems a shockingly distant memory, the term ‘middle-age’ has shocking relevance and the prospect of our own mortality – while still disturbing – comes as less of a shock.  Crisis?  What crisis?!

Dot, dot, dot

 

If anyone read my previous ‘Dot dot dot’ post, you may have reached the ellipsis at the end and thought it remarkably well timed!  I have a confession: that first post was contrived to end just-so.  Think of it as an introduction.  This time, a fifteen-minute timer is running and I have no idea how much I can write with that time limit or how far I will get.  My heart is actually racing!  Friends who know me well may be familiar with my recent obsession with the happiness curve – and they are probably now rolling their eyes!  I heard about it on a podcast several months ago and it resonated with me because it helped to explain my negative response to that turmoil in my life to which I referred in my last post.  It also chimed with my intrinsic sense of optimism, which I am proud to have retained in spite of everything.  As I recall, researchers have ascertained that we experience a happiness high somewhere in our late teens then our level of happiness declines steadily over the following decades until it reaches rock-bottom.  The good news and cause for optimism is that their research then shows a steady increase in our level of happiness until it returns to a high-point that is similar to that of early adulthood.  Another striking thing about their findings is that it doesn’t matter where in the world the research is conducted or with which demographic group or what the background is of the people who respond, the results are almost identical.  Apparently, research has even been carried out into …

Dot, dot, dot

A wise friend recently suggested I should once again make time to write.  In the age of podcasts, Tik-Tok and Instagram, it could feel anachronistic but I enjoy writing in the same way I enjoy baking and probably as an artist enjoys sketching and painting.  Putting words in black and white – capturing them in a lasting way – pays homage to the power of words, which I believe in strongly in a world where powerful people fail to understand the significance of the words they use and treat them with such disdain.  Writing takes effort, thought and time but results in something considered and polished.  It lacks spontaneity, I know, but spontaneity can get me into trouble and it’s not as if I only ever communicate in writing: there’s room for the spontaneous too, whether that gets me into trouble or elicits laughter.  I think my writing also reflects something of how rammed-full my brain is of thoughts and ideas and arguments that ricochet through my mind.  I think that is something I had in common with Dad, together with his confidence to hold an opinion, however controversial.  I like to write to make sense of things.  I like to share some of what I write not because it’s particularly good but because it shares a bit of who I am and I want to test some of my ideas and thoughts, opening them up to scrutiny and challenge.  Be they spoken or written, I think words carry a charge that draws them to an audience, without which they’re just cerebral fluff – albeit fluff that feels like it might cause my head to explode if I don’t get some of those words down on paper (so to speak).  'Dot dot dot' is an experiment: an attempt to satisfy that need of mine to write.  The title reflects the turmoil of my life in the last couple of years – not knowing what comes next.  It could also be a trailing off, because sometimes that’s all there is.  Who knows: maybe it will also stir some anticipation.  It’s an experiment that has to be manageable too so every time I write (at least a couple of times each week, I hope), I’m going to set a timer and be strict with myself so when the alarm sounds … 

Dad

 

As a much younger man, I was dreadfully unfair to Dad.  Everyone here surely knows how infuriating he sometimes was and he certainly had his flaws.  Unlike many of us who can make excuses for or hide our own flaws, he could wear his like a badge of honour with stunning self-assurance.  In my younger naivety, arrogance, impatience and embarrassment, I failed to appreciate his qualities, the efforts he made, the example he provided and even his love.  This isn’t a recent epiphany, by the way; he lived and died knowing how much respect, gratitude, pride and love I had for him.

He provided a happy childhood for me and Chris.  Sunday mornings always began with a walk to the newsagents and seven pence each for sweets.  As we returned through Heavitree Park, there were three points at which he would start Chris and me in a running race.  I suspect Chris, like me, could run the exact same races today, Dad’s ‘Ready!  Steady!  Go!!’ echoing in our heads – the only difference being that these days, Chris would win!  In beach games on holiday, rickety DIY-built cupboards, wonderful Christmas celebrations and drunken neighbourhood parties, I formed happy memories.

I didn’t know then just how hard he worked but thanks to him, through our early childhood, we had our brilliant stay-at-home mum and the best, most loving start to life any children could have.  Perhaps his work ethic should have become clearer to me on Saturday mornings when Chris and I would pillage the Westward Freight and Warehousing premises while he continued working in his office, or when we accompanied him on weekend visits to customers like Fyffes, leaving him to deal with the fallout when their warehouse filled with the dry powder discharged like a bomb from one of their fire extinguishers.

As teenagers, we knew times were hard, especially when Dad’s business folded.  His pride must have been shattered and it must have been hard to know which way to turn, but when I accompanied him on his pools-round or delivering catalogue-packages from the back of his car, I saw first-hand how he threw himself into whatever work he could find to ensure we kept the same roof over our heads and to shield us from the challenges he confronted.  Eventually, when he retired from his more-than-twenty year career in the cardboard industry, I think it was as much a celebration of his resilience and of how he had turned failure to opportunity and so successfully adapted to a new career.

The most surprising thing about my grief is that Dad might finally have turned me into a Liverpool fan – a feat he long-since gave up on in life, despite taking me with Mum and Chris to Anfield on two occasions.  Recently, I told someone about how we had been at the 1989 Championship decider between Liverpool and Arsenal; with some awe, he replied, ‘Oh my God!  You were at that match?!’  I’m afraid I was too busy reading ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’ to remember anything of what I gather was a truly historic occasion.  Maybe that’s when Dad gave up on me showing any interest in his beloved Liverpool, or maybe – after taking me to see two losses – he decided I was a dodgy talisman!

Football may be baffling to me, but I couldn’t fail to respect Dad’s loyalty to the greatest football team in the world, represented by his collections of shirts, mugs and calendars, nor to smile at his exuberant joy as he exploded from his chair with an ear-splitting cheer with every goal scored.  His loyalty extended far beyond Liverpool though and those four letters YNWA carried a deep, spiritual, existential meaning to him, and through him to me.  When I wear a Liverpool shirt later today and in the future, it will be a reminder of Dad’s loyalty.

Finally, Dad was a hoarder.  Mum despaired of wardrobes bursting with decades-old clothing and God knows what awaits us in the loft and garage.  Much of it carried sentimental meaning to him but he delighted in junk too.  Beyond the junk, he hoarded knowledge – a mine of useless information and the perfect pub quiz compere.  Christmas won’t be the same without round after round of Dad’s quiz, complete with his convoluted rules, not-so-subtly designed to tip the balance in his favour!

Above all though, he was a remarkable hoarder of names and memories.  On many an occasion, we’ve rolled our eyes at his stories of Fanny Orchard, his infants’ school teacher.  There was something very touching though about his visit in the last few months to Mike Ounsworth, one of his teachers at Heles.  Dad never forgot the people who made a difference to him and the events that shaped him.

He loved giving too.  Last Christmas, even at the age of seventy-four, I could sense his growing excitement as, with a Santa-like twinkle in his eye, he brought stack after stack of presents to the lounge for us all to unwrap.  On the day I was born he gave me this bear.  For my fortieth birthday, he compiled an album of photographs spanning my four decades, pictures I’d drawn at school, even a loving note I’d written to mum aged six or seven.  It was a surprising and very special gift, and I didn’t need telling of the many, many hours he’d spent preparing it.  Through the stacks of presents he gave at Christmas, the delicious cakes he baked for each of us, as a New Year’s Eve party host, or in the time he gave to guide, help or for a good chat, I learnt a lot from him about generosity.

I think people might dread writing a eulogy and think it must be so difficult.  As I sat with my laptop, notebook and pen to write this one though, I realised that I’ve actually been writing it my whole life.  It has been the hardest thing to write and the easiest; the saddest and the most joyous; certainly the most important.  It has solidified memory, shown me how Dad shaped the man I’ve become and helped me begin to understand his legacy.  I’m glad I’ve been able to share it with you today.

Christmas controversy or a long-winded message of season's greetings.

It amuses me that some of my festive tastes and habits are apparently controversial: I like tinsel (I don’t overdo it but the abhorrence that others have for the stuff baffles me); I dislike lights on trees (my horrified colleagues were rendered speechless when I mentioned this recently); ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ may well be the greatest Christmas song ever and I think nothing of mixing it up with ‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing’.

Each to their own, of course; and before anyone gets too indignant about my views, I know I can be opinionated – even controversial, perhaps – but it’s never without openness to and respect for other views and readiness to admit I’m wrong.  There’s great value in being made to think differently; it’s why I like to share my opinions and why I like to have them challenged.  So here goes …

I believe in the power of the Christmas card and the replacement greeting that commonly gets posted on social media these days leaves me a bit cold.

This year (as every year), I sought out the cards that (in the absence of something crafted by my own fair hand, which I assure you would be ghastly) somehow best represented me and my Christmas beliefs.  I hand-wrote them to friends and family, many of whom I have only seen once or twice this year and some who I haven’t seen for many years.  In the frantic advent rush to get everything done, I missed the Christmas post deadline and kept my fingers crossed that the Royal Mail would once again work its miracle and deliver my cards on time (which seems to have worked).

With all the pressures of the festive season, I wondered once again why I do it.  Is this one tradition that I (like many others) could give up?

I count myself lucky to receive a good number of cards each year (though fewer than once upon a time).  I enjoy comparing the designs and choosing my favourite.  I sense special thought in my name, written in someone else’s hand.  I’m touched by the sentiment in the personalised message to me.

It’s not hard to imagine the smile my own cards bring to the faces of my friends and family-members who receive them.  Indeed, every year a handful of them get in touch to let me know how pleased they were to get their card.  Of course, it’s an opportunity to send a personalised message they may not otherwise have received – a chance to let someone know you’ve thought about them on an individual level.  There’s something about old-fashioned handwriting for that.  Time is precious (not least in the run-up to Christmas) and sending cards has become expensive but I believe both are a worthwhile investment.  It’s a way of sharing love that the Facebook post can not achieve.

The problem with the generic social media post is that it lacks everything that makes the Christmas card special.  Generally, it has the feel of something just copied and pasted from year to year, or from someone else’s post.  There’s no personalisation to it – none of that oh-so-special handwriting.  It may be accompanied by a lovely family picture, but probably one that has already been posted.  I really do understand that the cost of sending Christmas cards is prohibitive for some – especially in an age of austerity.  It’s unfortunate, however, because the replacement message doesn’t elicit the same smile or that warm sense of being special to someone.

Perhaps many of those who write their annual explanation for the absence of their Christmas card would never have sent me one anyway, in which case, whilst the charitable donations and social and environmental awareness they often also promote are admirable, if their main purpose was to wish me a merry Christmas, maybe they should have done so without reference to my missing Christmas card and the lengths to which they might have gone for me – but didn’t!

Perhaps the authors of those posts never imagined I would actually read them – and certainly not think about them so deeply!  And that makes me wonder: will anyone actually read this and what is the point of it?  Is this just my own long-winded, twenty-first century, social media way of sending season’s greetings – my own Christmas card back-up?  

If you’ve got this far, thank you for enduring my ramblings.  If you sent me a card, thank you for it; you now know how much it means to me.  Whether or not I sent you one, I really do wish you a very merry Christmas, a happy new year and peace, prosperity and joy in 2023.

And if I missed you off my Christmas card list, DM me your postal address then wait and see what happens!

Covid#31 - Never prouder to be a teacher

It’s the end of the half-term break from schools.  It was a break I went into thinking I might get halfway through and decide I’d just as well be at work and it has been a strange break, taking place during the third national lockdown, with the ‘stay at home’ rule in force, limiting the places to go, things to do and people to see.  February half-term can often be a bit like that, however; cold, dark, grey winter days are not very enticing and I often find myself enjoying this week for lazy, cosy indoors days, watching films, reading, writing a little, listening to music. 

Now it’s time to look forward to returning to school for the second half of the school year but in these times of uncertainty, we don’t really know what it is that we’re looking forward to.  Across the country, school has been closed to most children since Christmas and most of them have only seen one full term of ‘normal’ school since last spring.  There’s optimism that schools in England will re-open to more children in a couple of weeks’ time, but this lockdown has been marked by the Prime Minister’s caution too and knowledge that there won’t be a rush back to normality as there was after last year’s lockdowns.  There’s not yet any knowing how many students I will have in my classroom in the coming weeks.

I teach in a special school where I have a small class of five teenaged boys, all of whom have a diagnosis of autism.  Since Christmas, only one of my class has attended school; the other four have remained at home although they had the option to return – my school decided (rightly in my opinion) to re-open in January to as many families as wanted to send their children.  There was a view, I believe, that all children at our school are vulnerable because of their individual needs, and an acceptance that for many of them and their families, their emotional well-being was enhanced by their being at school rather than at home.

What I failed to acknowledge at the start of term was the capacity of my boys to make up their own minds, so I didn’t anticipate their own decision to stay at home.  They are all what we refer to as ‘high-functioning’ young men with a version of autism that is often referred to as Asperger’s, so they have the same capacity for learning as neurotypical young people and similar understanding of the world around them.  They themselves therefore have good understanding of what coronavirus is and its consequences; they follow the news; they know that students their age in other schools are staying at home and they have their own perceptions of the risks of returning to school, and some of them are fearful.  None of them attended school between the end of March and September last year so they have memories of that too – they coped with that lockdown and they and their families stayed safe.  Moreover, the costs of missing out on classroom learning, which are hard for them to grasp, were outweighed by the benefits to a young person with autism of staying at home without the pressures and anxieties of being at school with all its unpredictables, and of being able to indulge in their special interests as much as they liked.  I have complete respect for the decision they each took.

Like most classrooms, mine has been an odd place to be in the past couple of months but we’ve adapted well.  I spend two to three hours each morning delivering live lessons via Zoom – English or Maths each day and usually one other subject – Careers, PSHE, History, Science, French and Geography are delivered in this way, following our normal curriculum.  Some of these lessons are for everyone, with the one student in the classroom joining the others in their bedrooms via Zoom, whilst some are for smaller groups or one-to-one.  At first, I hated the prospect of teaching in this way, but I quickly got used to it and have even taken to it well.  The occasional technical glitch aside (and thankfully, they are rare), I’ve been surprised by how much we have achieved and by the levels of students’ engagement – attendance-rates are high and they participate well.

I e-mail follow-up work for those at home to complete together with work for the other subjects that we don’t do ‘live’.  I get some work e-mailed back to me – more from some students than others – but frustratingly, the quality of what they send me is nowhere near what they would achieve in the classroom.  They’ve certainly missed out on the support they’d get at school – the glance over their shoulder at the work they’re doing; the encouragement; the feedback, tips and advice; the expectation; and the praise.  I mark their work, scan it and send it back to them with my feedback; I’m not sure they read it and take it on board, but it’s the best I can do.

The student attending school has had a great time, probably valuing school more than ever.  A teaching assistant supports him so the one-to-one attention and support he is receiving is intensive and sensitive, and for him, the unpredictables that usually come with a fuller classroom have been removed.  His response has been phenomenal.  He is more relaxed and engaging so both my TA and I have been able to develop our relationship with him.  Most significantly, he has shown far more interest in his learning, spending much longer on activities than previously, producing far more work of a higher quality than ever before and making leaps and bounds in progress.  Him mum has commented that ironically, this has been the best year for him academically, and it’s been a real joy to share it with him.  Now we’re wondering what we can learn and take from it.  It’s important, I think, to recognise the positive outcomes of the circumstances in which we find ourselves, as well as the challenges.

For all the boys and their families, there are huge positives.  They’re probably not unlike most teenagers in relishing being able to set their own routine, including staying in bed for longer and spending more time gaming and watching YouTube, and I’m not so naïve as to think this wasn’t part of the motivation for their decision to stay at home!  They’ve also openly told me that they’re living their best life by being at home on their own and one or two parents have told me of how much more at ease their sons seem – that’s a reflection of their autism.  For all that though, I’m certain they appreciate the routine that live Zoom lessons and schoolwork provides – they show up and engage well, after all.

Of course, there have been challenges.  Parents can’t be superheroes, supporting all their children with their schoolwork, and some quickly became lost and frustrated and, as one put it, felt like they were going mad.  Some of my students had to share devices with their siblings, all trying to access their own lessons at different times.  It emerged that some were attempting Zoom-learning and completing their work on a small and even cracked smartphone screen, which must have been nigh-on impossible.  They (and more often their parents) don’t always have the technical confidence to access what they need online and parents often don’t have the knowledge or confidence to support their son’s learning.  We weren’t geared up for home-learning last year but now we’ve learnt a lot.  Last year, I only delivered one Zoom session each week, in contrast to at least two hours per day in these last two months.  Now, we’ve been able to provide students with a laptop if they didn’t have one.  We’ve realised how much more we could achieve, the consequences of failing and as our expectations have grown, our young people have risen to meet them.

For my part, I truly believe that work has kept me going through these dark times.  I live on my own so lockdown alone at home in the depths of winter would have been hard and I’m not great at working from home – I’ve realised how much motivation I derive from having other busy people around me – so that would have been challenging too.  I feel lucky that my daily routine has hardly changed since the start of this lockdown in January, to have had continuing human contact at school and the opportunity to work hard and be possibly busier than ever.  The days and weeks of this lockdown have flown by.

I’m very conscious that it’s been very different for many other teachers.  Returning to the workplace while infection rates were high could be frightening; colleagues have been anxious for themselves and about inadvertently taking the virus home with them to infect their families.  There’s been concern about children left at home because their own school is shut while mum or dad return to do their job.  I’ve relished the challenge of managing home-learning alongside classroom-based learning.  Despite my small class and the support of a teaching assistant, it comes with its own issues when your students all have special educational needs, but understandably, others have found it more challenging, with bigger classes, uncooperative learners, demanding parents, safeguarding concerns, too much pressure from above and not enough support.  While work has thankfully kept me going, it’s been really tough on some of my colleagues.  Covid has been good for empathy, I think.

I’m glad to be at work and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a swift and successful return to school for all children and young people in a couple of weeks.  There will be some who disagree with me and feel that it’s too soon to re-open schools, but children need to be in school – they’re missing out on far too much education and too many personal and social opportunities while they’re at home – and we teachers have an important job to do.  This emergency has given me more appreciation of the value of work for my own well-being and a greater sense of the purpose and worth that my work provides.  I like to imagine that some of the doctors, nurses and scientists who are our Covid heroes credit their own teachers with getting them where they are now and I like to think about the children sitting in front of their laptop for their Zoom lessons or in their Covid-secure classroom bubbles today who will go on to become the doctors, nurses and scientists of tomorrow, thanks in no small part to the efforts of their teachers. 

I’ve never been prouder to be a teacher. 

Covid#30 - We're all scientists now

 

Three days ago I had the first of my Covid vaccinations.  The next day was a total write-off as I suffered what I am assured was only a really strong immune response, which is a good thing, but didn’t feel that way with my head pounding and as waves of nausea enveloped me.  It only lasted twenty-four hours though, so I won’t dwell on that.

As the nurse removed the needle from my arm at the end of my brief appointment at a local pharmacy, I succumbed to that post-jab cliché of asking, ‘Is that it?!’  I actually meant it; it seemed so inconsequential.  It was, of course, nothing of the sort – not for me or for the now fifteen million people in the UK who have had the first of our two jabs.  When I returned to my car and posted on Facebook of my excitement and relief, it really did feel that something momentous had just happened.

Many months ago, I wrote about how ‘Covid19 will define our age as one of great scientific and technological discovery and endeavour’ (Covid#9).  Since then, we’ve all become scientists as we’ve understood the emergence of coronavirus and added zoonoses to our lexicon; grappled with how it spreads and how best to protect ourselves and each other; followed the race to develop treatments and vaccines; watched as the virus mutated and new variants took hold and now as we join hopefully in the mass-experiment that is this epic vaccination programme.  I, for one, have been fascinated by the science from the outset.

I am, in fact, in awe of coronavirus.  It’s effects are obviously dreadful, but it knows nothing about that.  It is simply doing what it’s meant to do – reproduce, thrive and survive – and what is literally awe-ful about it is just how well it does its job.  We’ve all become familiar with images of the virus, surrounded by its spike-proteins, designed to latch onto and unlock our own cells, but it’s both frightening and incredible that that spikey little ball is about one-hundredth the size of one of our cells and forever invisible to most of us who don’t own an electro-microscope.  Despite that, once it’s delivered its genetic material to our cells then instructed them to copy and reassemble it before self-destructing, it can have replicated itself billions of times in just a few days.

The mutations that resulted in the original zoonotic jump and the Kent, Brazil and South African variations of the virus that have caused so much concern since December may be more luck than judgement (from the virus’ perspective, that is) but it’s no less remarkable that by random chance, a copying error as it replicates can enable it to claim an unfortunate new host and enhance its effectiveness – or virulence.  How is it even possible that something so miniscule can contain enough material to mutate so significantly as to have such devastating consequences?  It’s wonderfully mind-boggling!

I’m equally impressed by our immune system.  A couple of years ago, I fell seriously ill.  As I lay in a hospital bed, wired up to machines with all sorts of tests being conducted, I was scared yet I had little cause to be because, as a doctor later explained to me, my incredible immune system had kicked in and was already doing a brilliant job of dealing with the infection in my liver.  For most people, the same is true of a coronavirus infection.  Despite having never experienced it before, somehow our body knows what to do and can fight it off before we suffer any more than mild symptoms.  Even when coronavirus infects our neutrophiles and t-cells, causing the overreaction known as a ‘cytokine storm’ and turning them against even healthy cells, in most of us, our immune system eventually wins out.  It fills me with wonder!

The scientists who discover and explain all this can not earn enough admiration and praise.  Thanks to them, I have learnt a lot about the basic science of the virus and our immune system, but it is beyond me how they managed to decode its genetic sequence in such short order after the outbreak began in China, use it to invent the tests that have become part of our everyday life and then track changes in that code over time, revealing those dastardly mutations.

That syringe bearing its crystal-clear vaccine seemed so insubstantial as it lay in its dull grey cardboard tray, awaiting my arm.  Truly however, it symbolised all that scientific endeavour about which I previously wrote.  I’ve watched Professor Teresa Lambe describe how the genetic code arrived in her e-mail inbox on a Saturday morning in January 2020 and how, clad in her pyjamas, she worked through the weekend to have a vaccine designed by the Monday.  By March, it had entered human trials.

I received the Oxford-Astrazeneca vaccine.  It’s a vector-vaccine that uses a modified version of a chimpanzee adenovirus, to which the gene for the coronavirus spike protein has been added.  Once my cells were ‘infected’ with this false-virus, the spike-protein was read by my cells’ nuclei and copied into messenger RNA; the adenovirus itself, however, had been engineered to not be replicated so I didn’t fall ill as a result.  The MRNA was then read by my cell’s molecules, which began assembling those spike-proteins.  Some of those spikes then protruded through my cells’ surface, awakening my immune system.  When the ‘infected’ cell died, the debris – including those spike-proteins – was swept up by antigen-presenting cells to be recognised by helper T cells.  B-lymphocytes activated by those helper T cells then poured out antibodies that latch onto genuine coronavirus spikes, marking them for destruction and preventing them from infecting other cells.  Meanwhile, killer T cells (which sound like something out of a science fiction film) were also activated by the antigen-presenting cells to find and destroy any of my cells infected by coronavirus. 

All this remarkable process was playing out at a microscopic level inside my body whilst I lay on the sofa nursing my headache, and it’s all thanks to the incredible efforts of the scientists at Oxford University and Astrazeneca and their friends all around the world.  I was shaking my head in disbelief and awe as I wrote even the second sentence of that last paragraph; it’s so easy to write a few words about adding a gene to a chimp virus, yet they undoubtedly represent so much research, understanding and effort.

That insubstantial-looking syringe, filled with its miraculous elixir and the hopes of everyone for an end to this pandemic, deserved to be made from lead-crystal and to rest on a velvet cushion atop a gold and jewel-encrusted tray!  I feel a bit sad that it was destined only for one of those vivid-yellow sharps bins.  A bit of me wishes I could have kept it.